QUESTION: I am reaching out to you as someone with a lot of experience with dogs. Losing my Chloe has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. She was my whole world. I’ve never felt so much pain and I’ve been through a lot in my life. She was amazing and everyone who met her fell in love with her. I’m scared I won’t have the same connection with another dog! How can we have such a deep, strong connection with them, and then they are gone? Can you share any advice to help me through this process?
ANSWER: I am so very sorry for your loss of Chloe. No words can ever do justice to the grief that we feel at the passing of a loyal and ever-present companion. Losing a dog is awful, traumatic, and an event that I don’t think we ever recover from. I am so sorry to hear this and glad that you reached out to someone who understands.
The pain you are going through is real and will last a while. You will cycle through the stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist and death and dying expert. You will feel anger. You will feel sadness. You will feel denial. You will bargain and negotiate over how this could have happened. And you will also feel acceptance.
A big part of loving a dog lies precisely in accepting that they aren’t here for a long time. By design, their lives are short. But what their lives lack in length, they more than make up for in love and joy. This short time together is part of the deal; it is written into this contract that we make with our dogs. We fall in love with this animal knowing that our heart will break one day.
We inevitably talk of the afterlife when we talk about death, and people think and feel differently about these concepts. I know that my time will end too. And who knows, my beloved dogs and I might meet again. But I am here now, and until that time, there is more love for the taking – more dogs to know, fall in love with, and eventually grieve.
The fear of not having the same connection with a new dog is legitimate, but it overlooks the fact that love is not just a feeling but a decision, not just a fleeting emotion but an act of will. You decide whether your heart stays open. If anything, a broken heart is an open heart, one that heals not by shutting down but by remaining available.
Judging from how Chloe lived, I think she would want nothing less for you. May she rest in peace and may your heart heal through memories old and new.